SUPER SECRETS of the SQL Server Illuminati — REVEALED!

It was a dark and stormy night as the secret conclave assembled upon the wind-blasted prairie lands of anonymous South Dakota. It could have been anywhere in North America, so non-descript and featureless was the place. Lightning flecked the darkened sky as they came, in ones and twos, wearing their long, charcoal colored robes, cowls covering their faces. Each one bearing in their left hand, the hand-calligraphed vellum scroll describing the exact details and protocols of the secret gathering.

Reaching the place, they stood, silently and watchfully, all eyes upon the sole figure to wear any ornamentation, standing atop and in the center of a large metallic platform raise about a foot above the prairie grass. It was a long-abandoned ICBM launch tube. At the pre-appointed time, this tall and solitary figure, different from the others only because of his bright crimson sash, thrust a clenched fist skyward exposing a lithe, hirsute arm. Lightning burst across the sky. Some of the figures twitched and glanced about nervously, but all maintained their silence.

Setting his scroll before him, the figure then brought his hands to his cowl, throwing it back. And in another quick gesture, dropped the robe to the ground. Finally, he held his two hands together before his chest, locking them, and then slowly rotating for all the attendees to see that they were to join hands. They mimicked him in unison, dropping their robes and locking hands in a giant ring, one-hundred and one persons in total, ringing the platform. The assembled figures now looked much more common, in their street clothes and, now that they were able to see one another, were clearly relieved by sighting a variety of familiar faces, somewhat like this:


“You, the SQL Server Illuminati, are now assembled and convened! We are gathered together by our mutual lover for SQL Server and overall distrust of Oracle, MS Access, and Mimes!”

“Never trust a mime,” they said in unison.

“I will now bestow your SECRET Illuminati names,” said the speaker. “If you ever broach the sacred trust of the Illuminati, or should I say ‘Illumin-NAUGHTY’, ” there were chuckles all around, “you will be forever forced to buy us drinks and may, upon our discretion, be roasted alive with a side of Mimes.”

“Never trust a mime,” they said in unison.

“I will now bestow the sacred and super secret names!” said the spokesperson. Stepping to the first person in the circle, he began “Raise your right hand and repeat your new SUPER SECRET name. I now dub thee:”

– Frances Fritzfancy Down-Underwear
– Daniel Dinsmore Tackadoo
– No-shoulders Sabrina
– DBA Zero, the Disease Starter
– Sistery Brothery Bob
– Nathaniel the Spaniel
– Floyd, the Austrian Tree Surgeon
– Ivan Drago-my-eggo
– Ford Prefect Danglebritches
– Wicked Fausto Fourteen-toes
– Name Withheld
– The Tarnosed Tarheel
– McWilliams Fancypants the Clairvoyant
– Checkpoint Charlie Chesthair
– Senator Cletus Scroffpossoum
– Balloonpopper Chillingsworth
– Flemish Finn, the Ambiguous European
– Jokestealer McGee
– Canadian Football Steve, “CFL”
– Beef-or-Chicken Tim Nubbins
– Oscar Ox-hands Operand
– Lil Gina Songbird, the Songbird Eater
– Hannibal Lecturer
– Stungun “Don’t tase me bro” Edwards
– Chrystler Lebaron
– General Zod, the Deadlock Resolver
– Marx the Pumpkin-Patch Crooner
– Spasmodic Hilary, Subscriber
– Cthulhu Squidbeard, Publisher
– Stick-Legs McMutton, Distributor
– Prostate Dave, the Service Broker
– Miles Butterball, the Turkey Defroster
– Peter Parker, the Car Valet
– Crustytrousers the Stiff
– Lintstockings, the DBA Benjamin Disraeli
– DB Bedazzler
– Del Folksybeard
– No-banjo Burnes
– Cincinnati O’Gurk of Germany
– Phoenix O’Sullivan of Sweden
– Dallas O’Mally of Netherlands
– Doc Aquatic
– Louis “Mr Plausible” Ladyfingers
– Beatrice Benchmark Bewigged
– Change Data Capture Chalmers, Esq.
– Baron Von Snapshot
– Ghost Nose Cleanup
– Rollback Schmoleback
– Ambidextrous Stan
– Sherlock-Holmes-Hat Niall
– Thundertwine Workerthreads
– Pseudotable Abe the Deleted
– Fu Manchu Temptoodles
– Hard-flossing Ulysses
– Canadian Paul Pants-Too-High
– Deny Grant Revoke, the Complete Sentence DBA
– Commodore Sixty-Four, Born in 1964
– Mr Manx MacGruber, the Tailless Tool Guy
– Tommy “Lice-comb” Latches
– Nick Nolte
– Mad Microfiche Mladin
– Dora the Plan Explorer
– Honey Bunches of Amit
– Hugo Crispy Stillwagon, the Man with Handlebar Eyebrows
– Genius L. Cravat, the Gentleman DBA
– The Moor of Venice or, at least, Italy
– Sausage Patty McSavepoint
– Gil Sharpnails, the Back-Scratching Developer
– Craine “Too-Tall” Eyebrow-Smeller
– SOX Monster
– Magnus Shareware Shortwave
– Longtime Listener, First-Time Caller
– Colonel Kurtz Commit
– Winston Winnipeg WHERE Clause
– Sackfist, the Frenchhorn Fanatic
– Tinfoil Hat Tony
– Sir Francis Drank Drink Drunk
– Three-Bean Ortez, ORDER BY viscousity
– Muttonchops the Bionic
– Shirtstains the Myopic
– Mariah Duckface, the Selfie Queen
– Saves-Receipt Randy
– NULL, the Riddle-Maker
– Plegmatic Felix Fulltext
– If-This Then-That Alex
– Forktongue Gavin Forks
– Overly Familiar Joseph
– Pring, Overlord of the DBA Jungle
– Pennywise, Bulk-Insert Foolish
– Astonishing Eyelashes Dana
– Zipcar Cloucester Cluck
– Strictly Local DB Henry
– Two-phase Commitment Shy Geoff
– Flaky-palms Antonio
– Semi-Join Sheryl
– Buffer Pool Shark McQueen
– Promiscuous Concurrency Peter
– Marky Mark and the Funky Socks
– Cheesehead Chuck, Owner the Most Productive Ear Canals in Canada


– Paul Randal

“Now, let the drinking begin!”, said the spokesperson. A rousing hooray was raised, and so begin the first of the SUPER SECRET SQL SERVER ILLUMINATI meetings.


So, you might be asking, why would I share a SUPER SECRET story like this? And I have two reasons. First, I wasn’t invited. And second, I was already buying a lot of the drinks anyway. So I figure, what’s new?

Here’s your challenge, can you match the SUPER SECRET name to the actual SQL Server MVP, author, blogger, or speaker KNOWING that the names are intended to obfuscate and mask the true owner?!?

Tell me your guess. I’ll give you a prize if you win. And I promise to keep it a SUPER SECRET.


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  1. Chrystler Lebaron – Me
    Mad Microfiche Mladin – Mladen Pradic
    Marky Mark and the Funky Socks – Mark Souza
    Cheesehead Chuck, Owner the Most Productive Ear Canals in Canada – Chuck Heinzelman
    Paul Randal – Brent Ozar

  2. Name Withheld – Phil Factor
    Ford Prefect Danglebritches – Tim Ford
    Jokestealer McGee – Brad McGehee
    Canadian Football Steve, “CFL – Steve Jones
    Beef-or-Chicken Tim Nubbins – Tim Chapman or maybe Tim Mitchell
    Spasmodic Hilary, Subscriber – Hilary Cotter
    Louis “Mr Plausible” Ladyfingers – Louis Davidson
    Deny Grant Revoke, the Complete Sentence DBA – Denny Cherry

  3. If-This Then-That Alex – Alex Kuznetsov
    Forktongue Gavin Forks – Gavin Payne
    Paul Randal – Kimberly Tripp

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